All the Single Ladies

Today's post comes from hilarious Ann, single and sassy.  We married ladies have it easy!

I know that a lot of people have found love online. For busy women with full-time jobs, the prospect of scrolling through page after page of potential partners is far more appealing that putting on a flirty dress and hitting the bar scene – so sayeth every article ever written on the subject.

I’ve had my share of online dating experiences and feel somewhat qualified to provide some guidance to women thinking that online dating might be worth pursuing. I’m not going to try to stop you, but you should go forth armed with the following truths.

Every single profile contains one significant lie at minimum, and it’s usually height-related. Just as my doctor knows that when I say I have five drinks a week that I really mean 15, you should know that any guy claiming to be six-foot-two is really five-eight at best, five-ten in heels. 

If you’re looking for a born-again wingnut, then I suggest you check out eHarmony. The surveys are undoubtedly fun, but the same sense of self-satisfaction you get from answering question after question about yourself is universal and begs the question: do you really think you can find love with some dude who’d rather sit around answering questions about what his ideal Friday night looks like or whether, on a scale of one to ten, he could find love with someone who enjoys the occasional cigarette? Answer: you cannot 

Too cool for eHarmony? Seeking a “quirky, well traveled creative type”? Then OKCupid is for you. Behold! Page after page guys donning carefully chosen eyewear and skinny jeans, clutching a tattered book of short stories. Isn’t that photo of him surrounded by Vietnamese orphans darling? He chose it because they make him look tall. Two weeks of witty email banter may very well result in a lingering dinner with good wine, but you’re just setting yourself up for months of splitting the bill on account of him being “progressive.” There is a 100% chance that this will end with him sobbing into your lap because his mother loved his sisters more. Delete your profile and go outside.

Match.com is almost not even worth mentioning, because we all know it’s rife with date rapists with tribal tattoos. Do not go on a Match date without first enabling the GPS on your phone, otherwise they’ll never find your body.

I’m no longer concerned with whether or not I’ll find love online, because I know that in my forties, I will not. Instead, I’m focusing my attention on inventing a vibrator battery with 8-10 years of shelf life that will keep me occupied until I turn 50. On my 50^th birthday I intend to sign up for OurTime, a site that promises to be full of people, like me, who have given up and have no more reason to lie. I imagine all the OurTime profiles casually mention hairy ears and occasional bouts of incontinence – including my own. Here I will find my Silver Fox; here I will finally find my love.